Miss Melissa

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:44:00 +0000

They say its your birthday!!!!

Happy 26th Birthday to Me. Happy Birthday to Me.

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 23:59:00 +0000

Wow. The past few days have been a whirl wind ride. Someone came back into my life to declare their love for me. Except it is too late. I agreed to listen to him and went for dinner, to find out he is now living with someone but would end it because he made a mistake and i am what he wants and loves etc. etc. etc. Turns out as he was trying to end things that she is pregnant. Baby drama. Not for me.

Two years I can finally end. Finally be free. Time for me to be me and work on myself.

I am going for a sleep study soon. As I sleep a lot. Hopefully my doctor finds out something.

Next month I go visit my sister. That will be good and deserved.

Time to change. Time to let go of the past for once and for all. Time to move forward and look towards the light.

October Here We Are

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 02:37:00 +0000

October is here. Soon it will be my birthday.
I expected myself to be in a relationship or even dare I say married by now. No man on the horizon. No potential mate knocking on my condo or car doors. No going to Brazil for a while.

Things are done, finished, completeo with A. I was the other woman all along - whom he probably cheated with and he also cheated on me. Two years, to never be returned again. Lost.

Violated. Sad. Angry. Mad. Upset.

Thanksgiving will be here and then my birthday. Will celebrate both alone. Parents will be visiting my sister. Have no one else but Miss Ethel to celebrate with. Too bad I can't take Miss Ethel out for dinner and cake.

Loneliness. Is it better to be successful and lonely and die alone or be happy and with someone?

Loneliness has been around for so many years, over a decade that I have forgotten what the opposite of the word is or even means.

I wish I knew what love is.

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 03:01:00 +0000

So, I have bought a condo. This is my second full week in my condo.
I came back from Europe in May. Loved Europe. Want to go on vacation again.

Now I am a single working girl in Toronto.

Miss Ethel is much better too. She tries to go to work with my in the morning. I love my cat.

I can't believe I am an adult. At times I want to just wake up and be in my bed at home.
I'm scared. I am growing up. I wish I was four again.

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 03:48:00 +0000

I hate men.
I really really really do.

You are all fucking idiots.

So I was seeing err if you call it that, a guy from work. Well we went for dinner tonight. Afterwards we kissed, fooled around he then tells me that i am not what he sees himself with and that he doesn't want to lead me on. Also tells me that he doesn't care if his partner doesn't get off.ie. she doesn't reach orgasm.

why oh why does this always happen to me

I think I may start looking at dating women.

fuck. men suck. this makes me want to drink myself silly and smoke an entire package of cigarettes.

THANK GOD I leave for my vacation in 16 days.

I am proud of who I am.
I just bought a condo in Toronto. Fuck me. you all suck.

Booze

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 16:31:00 +0000

I can no longer drink. Which is a good thing because in the past few months I started getting blackouts.

Both meds say to avoid alcohol as one may cause seizures and increase heart rate and the other not good to drive - blurred vision, drunk faster etc. etc.

I keep fucking things up.

Soon I will get away and be in Europe. 28 more days until I leave.

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 23:21:00 +0000

Today was the memorial service for JJ. I cried. Seeing others cried, didn't help.
I dont know why this has shook me so much. I worked at his company for a year and a half. They laid me off those papers were delivered by him. I know that I am in a better job with a company that is better suited to my needs and has more growth.

It was odd seeing people I used to work wiht. Two in particular that completely ignored me. Funny as where I work now does business with this company. It hurts being ignored. esp by people I worked with. Sure didn't get along with at times but to ignore me like that?

I hate how everyone is married. Or has a boyfriend or girlfriend. And has a large group of friends. or has a house a condo etc.

I feel like my life is not worth living. That Melissa Winkler is worthless.

I do not know who I am.

I want to go to the Depeche Mode concert in July in Toronto but I have no one to go with.

There was so many people there today. When I die i doubt if 10 people who show up.

I go back to the doctor soon as these new meds are not working. I'm tired of taking dugs.

I do not know who MW is...

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 04:23:00 +0000

The reason that i remain living at home and will continue to do so for the near future is because i am afraid that if i was on my own i would harm myself that may lead to me leaving this planet.

staying at home stops me from doing that. i could not have my parents come in and find me. i couldnt do that to them. yes i know it doesn't make sense as if i was on my own they would most likely find me and the location doesnt matter as it would still hurt.

but it is my safe guard.

so to those who keep telling me to move out fuck off.

Story: Preface

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 04:03:00 +0000

I started writing again. Realized that life is too short to stall on making my dreams come true.

Preface

It all started 13 years ago when I was 12. I don’t recall what provoked the first time but that was the beginning of a long and difficult journey. A trip that only now I see affected so many, mom, dad, my sister, my two close friends even my dog and cat. But I can’t take it back. I wish I could but it is too late now. I have crossed the finished line and won. I didn’t come in first nor was I last but I crossed it, that I am sure of.

High school, you remember those days. Those four formative years that shape teenagers into adults. Teachers, parents and countless counsellors trying to point you in the right direction, prepare you for the correct choices in life, college, sex and drugs. Trying to make steer you on the yellow brick road path, the path that leads to happiness, an honour degree, a three figure paying job and the perfect prince of a husband. You’ll have 2.5 kids, a iron security gated entranceway and a nanny and cook and cleaner as you’ll still retain your high paying job as you and your husband buy each other extravagant Rolex Watches, Louis Vuttion bags, luggage and shoes and all of the Tiffany jewellery that adorns your naked neck, ears, fingers and slender wrists.

Those people all fucking lied. There is no such thing as live happily ever after. Those tales of happy living were told to us, to me, to you, to your parents and their parents and their parents’ parents, as children because when we are under the age of 10 we believe in those thing. When you ask your mom if you are pretty, she lies and tells you, you are the most beautiful creature on earth.

If only these people told you the truth. Told us you would be made fun of, laughed at, cry yourself to sleep, make yourself throw up to be perfect. I thought I was different. I knew better than the bullshit I was told. My doctor put me on a variety of medication, at my parents’ request to make believe that I was a fairy princess with wings and I would live life in a castle high above on a luscious emerald green hill.
I wonder if schools still read five and six years olds Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Snow White.

Side Effects

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:38:00 +0000

you think i would be used to side effects from all of the meds ive been on but this one i am:

blurred vision - happened at the gym
anxiety - increased
increase of suicidal thoughts
headaches
mood changes

i hate this.
i hate everything.

starting taking 300mgs of ferrous fumarate (form of iron) and 1000mg of b12.
the fumarate has a list of side effects to.

so my body is most likely freaking out with all of the new drugs in my body.
My mind is working on overdrive to figure out what the hell is going on.

i just want to be happy.

how god, do i do that?

Tuesday

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 03:37:00 +0000

I go to the doctor tomorrow for my blood work results. Am nervous and scared. Nervous because I went at 545pm on Thursday and the doctor already got the results back within one and a half business days.

From reading some things online, I think I probably have anemia.
I have the following symptons:
-Sleep alot - sometimes more than 12 hours at once
-Am always tired
-Bruise easily - have a nasty one where they took blood
-Very pale
-Am always cold, even in the summer and on dry muggy days
I always wear a sweater and fleece pants and socks in the house and to bed with two thick blankets.
-lack of iron in my diet

Although anemia is not a great thing, I hope it is not anything more severe.

I will find out at 445pm.

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 04:47:00 +0000

A former boss of mine recently passed away. Didn't know him that well, but still a shock nonetheless, esp. as he was 38.

A bit of a damper weekend. Work wise will be a bit difficult as my current jobs works with this man's company. Have to be sensitive for a bit.

Other news I start new medication.
Taking my regular stuff plus 100mg of wellbutrin xl. doctor said its not right that I slept 15+ hours on the weekend. most likely the celexa is wearing off.

See how this goes. Also went for bloodwork. Hopefully these new uppers work - go back in a month to see.

So far no side affects but this is only day two.
Feel a bit funny but i dont even know my true self as ive been doped up on drugs since I was 14 or 15.

such is life.

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 03:52:00 +0000

i am planning a date

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 03:06:00 +0000

Recently I have been thinking about death.
How I am afraid to die. I use to welcome death with open arms at one stage in my life but now I am fearful of it.

Fearful because I am unhappy with my life. And fearful that once I die, no one will remember me who is still living.

Fearful that I will continue on this path of solitude. That my life will continue to revolve around work but when I am at work I am just as unhappy if I was at home. I only look forward to trips that I plan and take by myself.

I am sick of facebook. I am sick of seeing those I went to high school with and the so called "friends" who have such perfect lives and are married or engaged or having babies or buying houses.

I am the lowest of the low: single. living at home. rarely go out unless Jennifer is visiting or I am visiting her.

I choose solitude yet I hate what it has made me become.

I want to runaway but moving to UK or Iceland or anywhere in the EU is not the answer. I feel so worthless. I have few friends and even then I am always the last one that is called or emailed or facebooked or texted.

Maybe I am not afraid of death or afraid of being forgotten.

In death I hope to have my soul get rid of this evil place called Earth. Be freed from the pressure, be freed from everyone who hates me, everyone who forgot about me.

My only true constant companions are my cats. I think they are the only ones who would even miss me because who would cuddle them, buy the expensive food, rub their bellies, cover them up with the blankets...

I am done. Broke beyond repair.

I fully accept that. I full accept my fate. I have been chosen but not in this life. What lies ahead is more comforting than continuing on living day by day and being so extremely misrable.

The grass must be greener on the other side.

Only one way to find out.

I Hate this Part

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 02:48:00 +0000

I am in this place. This song sums it all up. This is my last and final goodbye. Sing it girls....

"I Hate this Place" Pussycat Dolls

We're driving slow
Through the snow
On fifth avenue
And right now radio's
All that we can hear

Now we ain't talked since we left
It's so overdue
It's cold outside
But between us its worse in here

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through my fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

Everyday seven takes of the same old scene
Seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now fore we go to sleep
But will we sleep once I tell you what's hurting me

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know (i know) this is (this is) the part where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through my fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

I know you'll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothings wrong
But there is no more time for lies
Cause I see sunset in your eyes

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

But I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I hate this part

I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it

Oh
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take these tears
I hate this part right here

Love

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 03:36:00 +0000

I am giving up on it.

I was almost engaged and I ended it. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should have stayed with "J". Maybe that was as good as it gets for Miss Melissa...

I find it ironic that the three serious relationships that I have had, right after me the guy got married or is in a serious committed relationship. Happened with "D" - married. "P" - married. "J" - most likely gonna get married.

Do I read between the lines ? I am not the marrying kind. Just the girl guys sleep with and that's it? Isn't that was "A" is using me for? Isn't that what I allow "A" to use me for? Isn't that what I am using "A" for? Please, 16 months of on again off again - that does NOT equal a relationship, or dating, not even a f. buddy. Because we are not friends, don't talk on the phone. Can be days, weeks before either of us hears from the other. Yet I still go there to get off.

I've given up hoping things will change yet staying with him, esp. "A" for a boot-ah call is unhealthy and just wrong.

Why have I been wasting so much time on him?

Or right, I forgot. I am NOT pretty. I am NOT funny. I am NOT sexy. I am NOT girlfriend material. I do NOT have big enough breasts.

I am this petite ugly girl who is always at the gym - sure for stress reasons but more so hoping by working out so much I will get noticed by the opposite sex.

Has not worked or happened yet.

Eharmony, lavalife, speed dating etc. DO NOT WORK.

And the one person I do want. Has no interest what so ever.

I should have, could have stayed with "J". At least he loved me and would never have cheated or mistreated me.

Life sure is strange.
People are strange.
People are strange when they are alone.

Miss Melissa is strange.
Miss Melissa is strange when she is alone...

New Year

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 03:05:00 +0000

It seems only fitting to update this as today is January 1st 2009.
Another year has come and gone. 2008 was a difficult year - one that I made many mistakes but learned from them.

I have a list of things that I would like to do this year and things to change and improve on. Everything from work, to relationships to eating right. I went last Monday. Will continue to go for a few until my EAP runs out. Said something that was a revelation for me:

I do not need validation from my parents, especially my dad. I do not need validation from my boss or collegues from work, or a boyfriend or friend. I do not need anyone's approval to be and do things that I want to. I have struggled since I was 13 trying to be accepted by my parents and those at high school etc. Only that some can't say "Good job" "I love you" "I am proud of you" "You are great" "You are beautiful" etc. Some people those who I am been trying for over ten years to get from them, I won't. And it is not because they don't feel that way it is because they are ignorant and/or do not know how and do not take the time to really understand and appreciate the differences between humans and that some humans need verbal encourgement, while others need psychical ...

I was a shock to be told this but what I needed to stop the cycle I have been living. And learning how to lower my expectations. Lowering them from my parents - I know they are proud of me and love me but they don't know how to say it. And at times they are ignorant to my emotional needs. It is the same with my boss. I will never get praise from him yet I wouldn't have been promoted if I wasn't doing a good job. Same with men, same with relationships and lack there of.

How do you let go, I asked? The SCW said " live in the moment." That way we will not be disappointed.

How do you do that? By lowering my expectations and understanding that everyone is different and some are ignorant and let that go, not even let those people and their behaviour inside as they don't deserve any of my time as life is too short. Those that I can't ignore (my family) accepting that I am not here to please them. They disagree with some of my choices but it is my life. It I am happy and content, that is what matters most.

Now the big hurdle is remembering this every day and in each day, each moment this happens and in each moment, remembering not to sweat the small stuff. I have already wasted a decade on this. To have it all explained in one hour from a woman I had just met and I will only see for a few more sessions. And will disappear from my life all together.

Amazing how she was able to have it just "click" into place.

Hello 2009.

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 04:25:00 +0000

I will make it to the 29th.

I vow to.

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 03:19:00 +0000

So had the x mas party today.

I love how I asked so many times " please have a vegetarian dish" "yes yes"

So the salad I ate and the starter small portion of pasta, I ate. But then the waiters, all five of them try to hand me roast beef or chicken dishes. "NO I am a vegetarian" "NO I don't eat meat" "NO I am a vegetarian". Fuck. Finally one waiter comes back and says"Sorry we don't have any vegetarian options but I can give you a plate of vegetables". "UM no thanks." As they would have just took the veggies off of the plates that I refused and put them on a clean plate so I get the meat touching them and the juices seeping in with the gravy? Um NO THANKS. Gravy = pig. Meat juice =meat.

It does not bother me that others eat meat, eat it in front of me, date people who eat meat. But for fuck suck when I specifally asked about this in advance and was told yes yes. And to go and that aint the case. WTF.

What if i was vegan? Damn I'd have starved.

I'm so sick of all the fucking jokes too. Yes I dont eat meat. No i do not eat fish. No I do not eat gellitin - that is pig bone which is why there is kosher jello yes I can eat kosher jello. No I dont miss it. No i do not have the urge to eat steak. Fuck off already. Eat it, cook it in front of me I dont give a shit but have the fucking respect to not put your choices on me and disrespect my choice and my beliefs. Because fuck I dont go down their throats and go on about what they are eating and how the animal was killed and all the pesiticides etc that are in it. I haven't eatten meat in 13 years. So I am not going to start now.

God some people are so fucking stupid.

No x mas party next year if i am at this place still. Or I'll bring in some Thai food with me.

Idiots.

Day 17

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 03:36:00 +0000

I got one. Go in on December 29th at 1010am.
Is covered under my benefits at work some work place assistance so double good.

the new year is fast approaching but i am starting to make those promises that everyone makes and maybe this time i will stick to them.

Time to go back to listening to Britney Spears and "Womanizer". Yeah you are fuck face.

Day 15

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 02:39:00 +0000

I called my EAP service through RB Insurance. They are putting a call through to someone for me. Will hear back by Thursday morning. If this one doesnt work out they will get me someone else.

I am on the path to feel better.

I wish the plug in thing i bought for Ethel would work on humans too.

She is so much calmer and her hair is growing back.

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 02:17:00 +0000

I am at a breaking point.

Another Saturday night spent alone and at home. I went out for dinner with my parents and then to Square One. Walked around the mall by myself. Sad seeing all of the couples, group of friends and families shopping for Christmas & the Holidays.
I was almost in tears waiting in Zellers for my parents.

Maybe I mad a mistake with Jamie. Maybe I should have stayed with him. I would be married by now if I had. Atleast I would have been with someone. He would never cheat on me, leave me or hurt me.

I want to be loved. To do the little every day tasks with. To have that excitement back. To be happy.

My life is so unstatisifying.

I am in my mid twenties, so to be late twenties and i hardly go out. hardly spend any more. Have a fairly well paying job for the industry that i am in. but never enjoy any of it.

i should be out at a club, drinking and dancing and dressed all sexy.

instead i sit on my bed writing this feeling like complete and utter shit.

Happiness Day 2

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 00:37:00 +0000

My Bad Habits
- Worrying too much about trivial things
- Hard to say 'no' when asked things of me
- Putting myself last
- the glass is always half empty

My Good Habits
- Caring person
- Dedicated worker
- Loving person
-goal setting and acheiving them
- Independence

First 30 Days

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 02:14:00 +0000

The first 30 days (thanks to first30days.com) to becoming a better Miss Melissa

Day 1:

Happiness

What does it mean to me?
• Having a job that I enjoy
• Surrounded by loving family and friends
• Travelling on my own
• Spending time with my cats
• Living a fulfilling life

Things that currently make me unhappy
• Living at home
• Dysfunctional relationship/sexual partner
• Non active social life
• Not being able to take vacation from work until April 2009
• Not knowing what I want from life

Emotions that stop me from being happy
• Depression
• Sadness
• Anxiety
• Worrying too much

Day 2

Happiness Goals

-Being less stressed - going to gym, getting massages regularly, take "me time", have baths, take a lunch at work not eat at my desk.
-Respected and appreciated at work - give myself a timeline and if not by then, look for another job
-My dad accepting me and be proud of me
-Accepting and truly loving myself

melissawinkler4@hotmail.com (Miss Melissa) — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 13:30:00 +0000

I just got up from 14 hours of sleep. I went to bed yesterday at 7pm. Wasn't tired just nothing to do and too depressed so I went to bed. Didn't hear the phone ring sleep until 9am this morning. If I wasn't going to my aunt and uncle's today I would still be sleeping.

All I do is work and go to the gym. I got a second job too at Sam's Club - waiting for them to call me this week for orientation. Just got it last week. Crazy? Not really. The more I have to do, the less depressed I get.

I am falling apart. Since last November when I lost my job I have been been extremely depressed and on the verge of suicidal tendices. Then January happened. Then Adam happened and didn't happen and happened again. All I want to do is sleep. Not deal with anyone or anything. I can barely get out of bed for work. Then at work I am an outcast from my coworkers. I get along better with people in another department. That is weighing down on me too. To work in such a small area together and be ignored etc. I hate how people think that just because I am not married or do not have any kids that I have no problems. You think because I am single and young that I have no problems. Fuck you. The fact that I want to kill myself and hope that I will get killed in an accident, is a big fucking problem.

My shrink has retired. I am waiting on a referral from my GP for another. Takes so damn long but that's the health care system.
I need to get away to relax for a few days or a week. Except I do not get any vacation at work which is also killing me. I don't get it in this day and age where everyone is stressed and about work-life balance I have to work a full year to earn two weeks vacation. I am going insane. I may try to get into my doctor and see if he can write me off on stress leave for a few weeks. I don't care about the money. I have money saved. Have to look into more and make sure that my job is still protected.

I need to get better. I hate myself. I hate my life, my job, the fact that I hardly have any friends. My only contact with half of them is facebook. Which facebook can't give you a hug nor can it pass you a tissue when you are crying. Maybe that will come with their next rollout. I can't deal with relationships. I just cling onto the person and hold on so fucking tight that I don't let go. I have done that with every boyfriend or person I dated. I am in now shape to get married, nor do I think I want to ever get married. I do not want kids. I want to adopt a little person when I am older.

I have goals for myself but they seem so far away and so far attainable that it is easier to just give up.

I don't know what to do anymore. I need help. I should probably up my meds and take two instead of one. I feel so alone. I can't talk to anyone about this. I try with my parents and they think it is their fault and it has nothing to do with them or how they brought me up. My sister is far away that sometimes I need more than words over the telephone and email. Chris is just as far away. If I was made of money I would fly to them every weekend.

I hate this. I hate suffering from this. God, I have been like this since I was 13. How much longer do I have to give you to continue to suffer? Have I not paid back my debts to you from whatever I did wrong in this life or one before? Why me? Don't I deserve to be happy too? Don't I deserve a job that people respect me? Don't I deserve to be loved?

I'm off to the gym as usual then to G. Town.

I want to disappear. Pretend I don't exist. Is that too much to ask for? No one is ever there to dry my tears.