Story: Preface

I started writing again. Realized that life is too short to stall on making my dreams come true.

Preface


It all started 13 years ago when I was 12. I don’t recall what provoked the first time but that was the beginning of a long and difficult journey. A trip that only now I see affected so many, mom, dad, my sister, my two close friends even my dog and cat. But I can’t take it back. I wish I could but it is too late now. I have crossed the finished line and won. I didn’t come in first nor was I last but I crossed it, that I am sure of.

High school, you remember those days. Those four formative years that shape teenagers into adults. Teachers, parents and countless counsellors trying to point you in the right direction, prepare you for the correct choices in life, college, sex and drugs. Trying to make steer you on the yellow brick road path, the path that leads to happiness, an honour degree, a three figure paying job and the perfect prince of a husband. You’ll have 2.5 kids, a iron security gated entranceway and a nanny and cook and cleaner as you’ll still retain your high paying job as you and your husband buy each other extravagant Rolex Watches, Louis Vuttion bags, luggage and shoes and all of the Tiffany jewellery that adorns your naked neck, ears, fingers and slender wrists.

Those people all fucking lied. There is no such thing as live happily ever after. Those tales of happy living were told to us, to me, to you, to your parents and their parents and their parents’ parents, as children because when we are under the age of 10 we believe in those thing. When you ask your mom if you are pretty, she lies and tells you, you are the most beautiful creature on earth.

If only these people told you the truth. Told us you would be made fun of, laughed at, cry yourself to sleep, make yourself throw up to be perfect. I thought I was different. I knew better than the bullshit I was told. My doctor put me on a variety of medication, at my parents’ request to make believe that I was a fairy princess with wings and I would live life in a castle high above on a luscious emerald green hill.
I wonder if schools still read five and six years olds Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Snow White.

Side Effects

you think i would be used to side effects from all of the meds ive been on but this one i am:

blurred vision - happened at the gym
anxiety - increased
increase of suicidal thoughts
headaches
mood changes

i hate this.
i hate everything.

starting taking 300mgs of ferrous fumarate (form of iron) and 1000mg of b12.
the fumarate has a list of side effects to.

so my body is most likely freaking out with all of the new drugs in my body.
My mind is working on overdrive to figure out what the hell is going on.

i just want to be happy.

how god, do i do that?

Tuesday

I go to the doctor tomorrow for my blood work results. Am nervous and scared. Nervous because I went at 545pm on Thursday and the doctor already got the results back within one and a half business days.

From reading some things online, I think I probably have anemia.
I have the following symptons:
-Sleep alot - sometimes more than 12 hours at once
-Am always tired
-Bruise easily - have a nasty one where they took blood
-Very pale
-Am always cold, even in the summer and on dry muggy days
I always wear a sweater and fleece pants and socks in the house and to bed with two thick blankets.
-lack of iron in my diet

Although anemia is not a great thing, I hope it is not anything more severe.

I will find out at 445pm.

A former boss of mine recently passed away. Didn't know him that well, but still a shock nonetheless, esp. as he was 38.

A bit of a damper weekend. Work wise will be a bit difficult as my current jobs works with this man's company. Have to be sensitive for a bit.

Other news I start new medication.
Taking my regular stuff plus 100mg of wellbutrin xl. doctor said its not right that I slept 15+ hours on the weekend. most likely the celexa is wearing off.

See how this goes. Also went for bloodwork. Hopefully these new uppers work - go back in a month to see.

So far no side affects but this is only day two.
Feel a bit funny but i dont even know my true self as ive been doped up on drugs since I was 14 or 15.

such is life.

i am planning a date

Recently I have been thinking about death.
How I am afraid to die. I use to welcome death with open arms at one stage in my life but now I am fearful of it.

Fearful because I am unhappy with my life. And fearful that once I die, no one will remember me who is still living.

Fearful that I will continue on this path of solitude. That my life will continue to revolve around work but when I am at work I am just as unhappy if I was at home. I only look forward to trips that I plan and take by myself.

I am sick of facebook. I am sick of seeing those I went to high school with and the so called "friends" who have such perfect lives and are married or engaged or having babies or buying houses.

I am the lowest of the low: single. living at home. rarely go out unless Jennifer is visiting or I am visiting her.

I choose solitude yet I hate what it has made me become.

I want to runaway but moving to UK or Iceland or anywhere in the EU is not the answer. I feel so worthless. I have few friends and even then I am always the last one that is called or emailed or facebooked or texted.

Maybe I am not afraid of death or afraid of being forgotten.

In death I hope to have my soul get rid of this evil place called Earth. Be freed from the pressure, be freed from everyone who hates me, everyone who forgot about me.

My only true constant companions are my cats. I think they are the only ones who would even miss me because who would cuddle them, buy the expensive food, rub their bellies, cover them up with the blankets...

I am done. Broke beyond repair.

I fully accept that. I full accept my fate. I have been chosen but not in this life. What lies ahead is more comforting than continuing on living day by day and being so extremely misrable.

The grass must be greener on the other side.

Only one way to find out.