I Hate this Part

I am in this place. This song sums it all up. This is my last and final goodbye. Sing it girls....


"I Hate this Place" Pussycat Dolls

We're driving slow
Through the snow
On fifth avenue
And right now radio's
All that we can hear

Now we ain't talked since we left
It's so overdue
It's cold outside
But between us its worse in here

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through my fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

Everyday seven takes of the same old scene
Seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now fore we go to sleep
But will we sleep once I tell you what's hurting me

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know (i know) this is (this is) the part where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through my fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

I know you'll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothings wrong
But there is no more time for lies
Cause I see sunset in your eyes

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

But I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I hate this part

I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it

Oh
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take these tears
I hate this part right here

Love

I am giving up on it.

I was almost engaged and I ended it. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should have stayed with "J". Maybe that was as good as it gets for Miss Melissa...

I find it ironic that the three serious relationships that I have had, right after me the guy got married or is in a serious committed relationship. Happened with "D" - married. "P" - married. "J" - most likely gonna get married.

Do I read between the lines ? I am not the marrying kind. Just the girl guys sleep with and that's it? Isn't that was "A" is using me for? Isn't that what I allow "A" to use me for? Isn't that what I am using "A" for? Please, 16 months of on again off again - that does NOT equal a relationship, or dating, not even a f. buddy. Because we are not friends, don't talk on the phone. Can be days, weeks before either of us hears from the other. Yet I still go there to get off.

I've given up hoping things will change yet staying with him, esp. "A" for a boot-ah call is unhealthy and just wrong.

Why have I been wasting so much time on him?

Or right, I forgot. I am NOT pretty. I am NOT funny. I am NOT sexy. I am NOT girlfriend material. I do NOT have big enough breasts.

I am this petite ugly girl who is always at the gym - sure for stress reasons but more so hoping by working out so much I will get noticed by the opposite sex.

Has not worked or happened yet.

Eharmony, lavalife, speed dating etc. DO NOT WORK.

And the one person I do want. Has no interest what so ever.

I should have, could have stayed with "J". At least he loved me and would never have cheated or mistreated me.

Life sure is strange.
People are strange.
People are strange when they are alone.

Miss Melissa is strange.
Miss Melissa is strange when she is alone...

New Year

It seems only fitting to update this as today is January 1st 2009.
Another year has come and gone. 2008 was a difficult year - one that I made many mistakes but learned from them.

I have a list of things that I would like to do this year and things to change and improve on. Everything from work, to relationships to eating right. I went last Monday. Will continue to go for a few until my EAP runs out. Said something that was a revelation for me:

I do not need validation from my parents, especially my dad. I do not need validation from my boss or collegues from work, or a boyfriend or friend. I do not need anyone's approval to be and do things that I want to. I have struggled since I was 13 trying to be accepted by my parents and those at high school etc. Only that some can't say "Good job" "I love you" "I am proud of you" "You are great" "You are beautiful" etc. Some people those who I am been trying for over ten years to get from them, I won't. And it is not because they don't feel that way it is because they are ignorant and/or do not know how and do not take the time to really understand and appreciate the differences between humans and that some humans need verbal encourgement, while others need psychical ...

I was a shock to be told this but what I needed to stop the cycle I have been living. And learning how to lower my expectations. Lowering them from my parents - I know they are proud of me and love me but they don't know how to say it. And at times they are ignorant to my emotional needs. It is the same with my boss. I will never get praise from him yet I wouldn't have been promoted if I wasn't doing a good job. Same with men, same with relationships and lack there of.

How do you let go, I asked? The SCW said " live in the moment." That way we will not be disappointed.

How do you do that? By lowering my expectations and understanding that everyone is different and some are ignorant and let that go, not even let those people and their behaviour inside as they don't deserve any of my time as life is too short. Those that I can't ignore (my family) accepting that I am not here to please them. They disagree with some of my choices but it is my life. It I am happy and content, that is what matters most.

Now the big hurdle is remembering this every day and in each day, each moment this happens and in each moment, remembering not to sweat the small stuff. I have already wasted a decade on this. To have it all explained in one hour from a woman I had just met and I will only see for a few more sessions. And will disappear from my life all together.

Amazing how she was able to have it just "click" into place.

Hello 2009.