New Year

It seems only fitting to update this as today is January 1st 2009.
Another year has come and gone. 2008 was a difficult year - one that I made many mistakes but learned from them.

I have a list of things that I would like to do this year and things to change and improve on. Everything from work, to relationships to eating right. I went last Monday. Will continue to go for a few until my EAP runs out. Said something that was a revelation for me:

I do not need validation from my parents, especially my dad. I do not need validation from my boss or collegues from work, or a boyfriend or friend. I do not need anyone's approval to be and do things that I want to. I have struggled since I was 13 trying to be accepted by my parents and those at high school etc. Only that some can't say "Good job" "I love you" "I am proud of you" "You are great" "You are beautiful" etc. Some people those who I am been trying for over ten years to get from them, I won't. And it is not because they don't feel that way it is because they are ignorant and/or do not know how and do not take the time to really understand and appreciate the differences between humans and that some humans need verbal encourgement, while others need psychical ...

I was a shock to be told this but what I needed to stop the cycle I have been living. And learning how to lower my expectations. Lowering them from my parents - I know they are proud of me and love me but they don't know how to say it. And at times they are ignorant to my emotional needs. It is the same with my boss. I will never get praise from him yet I wouldn't have been promoted if I wasn't doing a good job. Same with men, same with relationships and lack there of.

How do you let go, I asked? The SCW said " live in the moment." That way we will not be disappointed.

How do you do that? By lowering my expectations and understanding that everyone is different and some are ignorant and let that go, not even let those people and their behaviour inside as they don't deserve any of my time as life is too short. Those that I can't ignore (my family) accepting that I am not here to please them. They disagree with some of my choices but it is my life. It I am happy and content, that is what matters most.

Now the big hurdle is remembering this every day and in each day, each moment this happens and in each moment, remembering not to sweat the small stuff. I have already wasted a decade on this. To have it all explained in one hour from a woman I had just met and I will only see for a few more sessions. And will disappear from my life all together.

Amazing how she was able to have it just "click" into place.

Hello 2009.