I will make it to the 29th.

I vow to.

So had the x mas party today.

I love how I asked so many times " please have a vegetarian dish" "yes yes"

So the salad I ate and the starter small portion of pasta, I ate. But then the waiters, all five of them try to hand me roast beef or chicken dishes. "NO I am a vegetarian" "NO I don't eat meat" "NO I am a vegetarian". Fuck. Finally one waiter comes back and says"Sorry we don't have any vegetarian options but I can give you a plate of vegetables". "UM no thanks." As they would have just took the veggies off of the plates that I refused and put them on a clean plate so I get the meat touching them and the juices seeping in with the gravy? Um NO THANKS. Gravy = pig. Meat juice =meat.

It does not bother me that others eat meat, eat it in front of me, date people who eat meat. But for fuck suck when I specifally asked about this in advance and was told yes yes. And to go and that aint the case. WTF.

What if i was vegan? Damn I'd have starved.

I'm so sick of all the fucking jokes too. Yes I dont eat meat. No i do not eat fish. No I do not eat gellitin - that is pig bone which is why there is kosher jello yes I can eat kosher jello. No I dont miss it. No i do not have the urge to eat steak. Fuck off already. Eat it, cook it in front of me I dont give a shit but have the fucking respect to not put your choices on me and disrespect my choice and my beliefs. Because fuck I dont go down their throats and go on about what they are eating and how the animal was killed and all the pesiticides etc that are in it. I haven't eatten meat in 13 years. So I am not going to start now.

God some people are so fucking stupid.

No x mas party next year if i am at this place still. Or I'll bring in some Thai food with me.

Idiots.

Day 17

I got one. Go in on December 29th at 1010am.
Is covered under my benefits at work some work place assistance so double good.

the new year is fast approaching but i am starting to make those promises that everyone makes and maybe this time i will stick to them.

Time to go back to listening to Britney Spears and "Womanizer". Yeah you are fuck face.

Day 15

I called my EAP service through RB Insurance. They are putting a call through to someone for me. Will hear back by Thursday morning. If this one doesnt work out they will get me someone else.

I am on the path to feel better.

I wish the plug in thing i bought for Ethel would work on humans too.

She is so much calmer and her hair is growing back.

I am at a breaking point.

Another Saturday night spent alone and at home. I went out for dinner with my parents and then to Square One. Walked around the mall by myself. Sad seeing all of the couples, group of friends and families shopping for Christmas & the Holidays.
I was almost in tears waiting in Zellers for my parents.

Maybe I mad a mistake with Jamie. Maybe I should have stayed with him. I would be married by now if I had. Atleast I would have been with someone. He would never cheat on me, leave me or hurt me.

I want to be loved. To do the little every day tasks with. To have that excitement back. To be happy.

My life is so unstatisifying.

I am in my mid twenties, so to be late twenties and i hardly go out. hardly spend any more. Have a fairly well paying job for the industry that i am in. but never enjoy any of it.

i should be out at a club, drinking and dancing and dressed all sexy.

instead i sit on my bed writing this feeling like complete and utter shit.

Happiness Day 2

My Bad Habits
- Worrying too much about trivial things
- Hard to say 'no' when asked things of me
- Putting myself last
- the glass is always half empty

My Good Habits
- Caring person
- Dedicated worker
- Loving person
-goal setting and acheiving them
- Independence

First 30 Days

The first 30 days (thanks to first30days.com) to becoming a better Miss Melissa

Day 1:

Happiness

What does it mean to me?
• Having a job that I enjoy
• Surrounded by loving family and friends
• Travelling on my own
• Spending time with my cats
• Living a fulfilling life

Things that currently make me unhappy
• Living at home
• Dysfunctional relationship/sexual partner
• Non active social life
• Not being able to take vacation from work until April 2009
• Not knowing what I want from life

Emotions that stop me from being happy
• Depression
• Sadness
• Anxiety
• Worrying too much

Day 2

Happiness Goals

-Being less stressed - going to gym, getting massages regularly, take "me time", have baths, take a lunch at work not eat at my desk.
-Respected and appreciated at work - give myself a timeline and if not by then, look for another job
-My dad accepting me and be proud of me
-Accepting and truly loving myself