Not as They Appear

I am falling apart. I lie. I hide it. My home life is unsatisfying. My parents fight worse and worse. My father with the constant throwing and banging of things, swearing at my mother and I, calling us stupid, the dog, the cats even, making fun of us, never anything positive to say. My mother hates him. I am starting to hate him too.

I’m still there because of my mom. As much as they hate that their almost 25-year-old daughter lives at home, I hold what is left of them, their marriage, together. Without me they would probably go days without talking or worse start abusing one another. (the non verbal kind).

He is an alcoholic. He needs to go to AA and anger management. I'm scared that one day I'll come home from work and my mom would have taken off or hurt herself. She is falling apart. I am falling apart. My job is the only thing that keeps me sane and on schedule.

I need support yet it is so hard to find. How do you talk to your friends, your boyfriend about this? How do you bring up this? How do you know they will listen and not think you are after sympathy or answers, when all I want is to vent and a hug.

I’m in the middle and see it all now because I only work one job. I am going to start applying to places for part time work. Even if I took a class or joined a gym, I would still have evenings empty with nothing to do and I can’t stay at home. I can’t shut this out any longer.

It is rioting my core. I have started to believe his words, his words that I am worthless, a whore, no good, useless, stupid, and a bitch, dumb, moron… it goes on and on and on. My self-esteem is witling away. Seeing it slowly disappear and knowing that the one and true thing that will change it, I cannot afford.

I am trapped. As I can’t sell my car. My company is for sale so job security isn’t one hundred per cent. I could afford a down payment on a condo yet because of the job thing not the smartest idea if I get laid off down the road. My work is a 15 min drive from my house. Another reason why I am trapped. The places that I could perhaps afford are dumps and most don’t allow cats – I have tried extensively already.

I don’t want a magically fairy to come and make everything disappear and be better.

Just sucks some times. My sister saw it with your eyes. This is what mom and I go through every fucking day.

I’ll be on meds for the rest of my damn life. But where can I purchase the drugs that make me have happily ever after?

Things don’t appear, as they seem.