They say its your birthday!!!!

Happy 26th Birthday to Me. Happy Birthday to Me.

Wow. The past few days have been a whirl wind ride. Someone came back into my life to declare their love for me. Except it is too late. I agreed to listen to him and went for dinner, to find out he is now living with someone but would end it because he made a mistake and i am what he wants and loves etc. etc. etc. Turns out as he was trying to end things that she is pregnant. Baby drama. Not for me.

Two years I can finally end. Finally be free. Time for me to be me and work on myself.

I am going for a sleep study soon. As I sleep a lot. Hopefully my doctor finds out something.

Next month I go visit my sister. That will be good and deserved.

Time to change. Time to let go of the past for once and for all. Time to move forward and look towards the light.

October Here We Are

October is here. Soon it will be my birthday.
I expected myself to be in a relationship or even dare I say married by now. No man on the horizon. No potential mate knocking on my condo or car doors. No going to Brazil for a while.

Things are done, finished, completeo with A. I was the other woman all along - whom he probably cheated with and he also cheated on me. Two years, to never be returned again. Lost.

Violated. Sad. Angry. Mad. Upset.

Thanksgiving will be here and then my birthday. Will celebrate both alone. Parents will be visiting my sister. Have no one else but Miss Ethel to celebrate with. Too bad I can't take Miss Ethel out for dinner and cake.

Loneliness. Is it better to be successful and lonely and die alone or be happy and with someone?

Loneliness has been around for so many years, over a decade that I have forgotten what the opposite of the word is or even means.

I wish I knew what love is.

So, I have bought a condo. This is my second full week in my condo.
I came back from Europe in May. Loved Europe. Want to go on vacation again.

Now I am a single working girl in Toronto.

Miss Ethel is much better too. She tries to go to work with my in the morning. I love my cat.

I can't believe I am an adult. At times I want to just wake up and be in my bed at home.
I'm scared. I am growing up. I wish I was four again.

I hate men.
I really really really do.

You are all fucking idiots.

So I was seeing err if you call it that, a guy from work. Well we went for dinner tonight. Afterwards we kissed, fooled around he then tells me that i am not what he sees himself with and that he doesn't want to lead me on. Also tells me that he doesn't care if his partner doesn't get off.ie. she doesn't reach orgasm.

why oh why does this always happen to me

I think I may start looking at dating women.

fuck. men suck. this makes me want to drink myself silly and smoke an entire package of cigarettes.

THANK GOD I leave for my vacation in 16 days.

I am proud of who I am.
I just bought a condo in Toronto. Fuck me. you all suck.

Booze

I can no longer drink. Which is a good thing because in the past few months I started getting blackouts.

Both meds say to avoid alcohol as one may cause seizures and increase heart rate and the other not good to drive - blurred vision, drunk faster etc. etc.

I keep fucking things up.

Soon I will get away and be in Europe. 28 more days until I leave.

Today was the memorial service for JJ. I cried. Seeing others cried, didn't help.
I dont know why this has shook me so much. I worked at his company for a year and a half. They laid me off those papers were delivered by him. I know that I am in a better job with a company that is better suited to my needs and has more growth.

It was odd seeing people I used to work wiht. Two in particular that completely ignored me. Funny as where I work now does business with this company. It hurts being ignored. esp by people I worked with. Sure didn't get along with at times but to ignore me like that?

I hate how everyone is married. Or has a boyfriend or girlfriend. And has a large group of friends. or has a house a condo etc.

I feel like my life is not worth living. That Melissa Winkler is worthless.

I do not know who I am.

I want to go to the Depeche Mode concert in July in Toronto but I have no one to go with.

There was so many people there today. When I die i doubt if 10 people who show up.

I go back to the doctor soon as these new meds are not working. I'm tired of taking dugs.

I do not know who MW is...