On the Road Jack

After more than 15 years I am on the road to recovery.

I got accept into this mental health program that is covered by the government. It's a temporary solution meaning its not long term care/counselling. I had my phone interview with them last week. Asked me questions that I know are indicative of someone suffering from depression but things I never thought twice about that I am guilty of.

"Do you take care of yourself? (shower, wear makeup etc).
Answer: sometimes. not every day. no, not really.

The typical do you have thoughts of suicide? Yes, but I don't act on them.

Have you had attempts? Yes, twice. Almost 15 years ago but they were attempts with one being very close without thanks to the nice doctors in emerg.

Yes, I used to hurt myself. Cutting, scaring, drinking, smoking, promiscuity.

On medication? Yes, the same one since 2002. Before that, name a SSRI and I've had the pleasure of tasting the not so happy pills before.

Do you live alone? Yes.

Do you have an active social life? No.
Do you sit at home most nights? Yes. with my cat and dog.

I first see a counsellor in early July for an assessment. Then based on that individual and/or group therapy. A psych. will also be on hand to asses my drugs. Not good being on the same ones at the same dosage (give or take) for ten years. At least this program seems to actually care about me were as my family doctor doesn't seem to listen to my attempts of explaining to him my problems and the drugs are working anymore. I found this govt program myself and printed the form for him to sign and legally declare I have depression.

I don't know why some don't take depression seriously. Do I have to come with a knife to my wrists or call from my balcony on the 23rd floor saying I'm gonna jump?

I'm tired of this. I'm glad I got into this program. Another month won't hurt or add on to the length of time that I have already waited.

August I'll be going to the Bahamas to an ashram for seven days of internal bliss and awakening. To figure out what I want to do with my life. To move away across the pond. To become a yoga teacher. To become a published writer. To learn what my dreams are and to finally chase after them.

This week I'll be going to inquire about my sixth tattoo. A lotus flower with a buddha sitting ontop. Not sure if it will go on my leg, back or next to the cross on my arm. 

On the road to something. Not quite sure what that something is but at least I will know along the way. And if I fall, so be it.

crying is okay here

My heart is breaking.

The past two week's have been extremely hard. My grandfather died five years ago on April 24th. I can't believe it has already been five years. I can remember everything of that day so clearly.

Then on the 26th, I found out that my mother's best friend had passed. She was battling lung cancer which had spread to her brain and bones. Thankfully we visited her in the hospital the Sunday before. I know that she is no longer in pain and is not suffering but it is still hard. No amount of time preparing, prepares you for losing someone.

This is the first person I've lost cancer to as an adult. I've lost grandparents and godparents to cancer but I was so young that I didn't fully understand what cancer was.

I took my mom to the hospital to visit her friend and it was hard. I hate hospitals. Seeing her suffering and growing smaller and smaller each time was hard to see. I would come home and cry myself to sleep. Why was this happening to someone who had so much love to give and was so caring and giving. Cancer fucking sucks.

Tomorrow is the memorial service. I am trying to prepare myself as I have to be strong for my mom as I know she is grieving worse than me. My heart is breaking for my mom - I was so happy that she met this woman and they became friends. She brought so much joy into my mom's life and gave her zest for life back. I know she is suffering and I only hope that I can bring some comfort to her.

Life isn't fair and its too short. When you can count your family and close friends on both hands, losing even one of them is devastating.

Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.

cancer fucking sucks.